Surviving Infidelity

Surviving Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the most common presenting problems for couple and family therapists.  The impact of an affair can be devastating to a couple’s relationship. Typically, couples experience a crushing loss of trust and safety, feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, humiliation and confusion. Affairs most centrally, violate trust, a foundational element in any healthy relationship. In the absence of trust, the betrayed partner often initially feels a constant suspicion and sense of doubt. The partner who was unfaithful often feels tremendous guilt and shame which might get expressed as defensiveness. A common outcome of the betrayal is, therefore, a breakdown in communication preventing the couple from productively working to heal – separately or together.

The definition of what constitutes infidelity can vary greatly among couples. Blow and Hartnett in their 2005 article entitled:  “Infidelity in Committed Relationships:  A Methodological Review”  defined infidelity as “…a sexual and/or emotional act engaged in by one person within a committed relationship, where such an act occurs outside of the primary relationship, and constitutes a breach of trust and/or violation of agreed upon norms (overt and covert) by one or both individuals in that relationship in relation to romantic, emotional or sexual exclusivity”. In practice, it is essential to accept the aggrieved person’s position concerning whether an event constituted an infidelity. It is essential that the couple inevitably agree on that the infidelity was an infidelity as well as agree on the depth or severity of the infidelity. When the members of the couple disagree, a common understanding can typically be reached by querying whether the event violated the implicit and explicit agreements they made and if the event was done in secret and without the consent of the other.

Couples seeking therapy following affairs will often agree that the infidelity was an unacceptable breach in their couple relationship. Despite agreement that infidelity is “wrong”, national surveys indicate that 15% of women and 25% of men have experienced intercourse outside of their long-term relationship, and 20% more couples have experienced emotional and sexual intimacies without intercourse. A survey published in Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loves-evolver/202401/the-truth-about-infidelity-insights-from-94943-individuals) cited the following findings from data obtained from an online quiz voluntarily completed by 94,943 individuals (66.1% women, 33.9% men).

·       Men were more likely than women to engage in sexual infidelity, and to do so more than once.

·       Women were more likely to have emotional affairs, and with someone their primary partner knows.

·       Most individuals confessed independently about their infidelity, while many were discovered by their partner.

A difficult and persistent question that arises in therapy is “why”? Unfortunately, there is rarely one “good” reason for an affair which creates an obstacle that the members of the couple must inevitably overcome. Affairs in truth, occur for a multitude of reasons. Despite this fact, the betrayed person typically feels the need to have their partner identify a reason. The questions that frequently arise are: Was there something lacking in the relationship?  Is he/she no longer attracted to me? What could have been so compelling that he/she could not think of me and of the vows we made? What was wrong with me? Was I deluding myself that we had a good and loving relationship? Has everything between us been a lie?”, etc. The reality is that affairs are likely to be the result of a confluence of reasons and circumstances. Affairs can occur in relationships that both partners describe as happy. Many people who are affected by infidelity – both the betrayed partner and the unfaithful one – never see it coming. It is not uncommon to hear that people who become involved in an affair were not planning or looking for an affair partner. Perhaps the most poignant truth is that there is no “going back” to verify the authenticity and accuracy of whatever rationale the couple is able to create.

Despite how devastating an affair is, not all couples end their relationship after discovery of the affair. However, the reconciliation process is difficult, perhaps even painful, and certainly challenging. It requires honesty, transparency, forgiveness, rebuilding trust and changing couple dynamics including shifting the couple’s power dynamic. Inevitably it is easier to end a relationship than to repair a relationship after an affair, yet it is important to note that with a commitment to stay together and do the work of repair and healing, many marriages can become stronger, more committed, more vibrant and more intimate after couple therapy. 

There are several factors that are indicative of a successful outcome in couple therapy after infidelity. One critical factor is the ability of the unfaithful partner to accept responsibility for the affair. The unfaithful partner must own their actions, express remorse for the pain caused, and commit to transparency. That unfaithful partner must be willing to allow the partner who was deceived to grieve and be willing to offer compassion and understanding. The unfaithful partner must empathize with their partner’s pain, tolerate emotional reactions, and respond with care and humility.

There is little chance of reconciliation if the affair has not ended and all communication with the other has not ceased. The couple must be willing to set boundaries that protect the integrity of their relationship and have no barriers to being entirely transparent in their actions and communications. That includes access to all phones and devices and location services. It is probable that the deceived partner will at times want to have proof of the veracity of what their partner says. They may want to engage in “detective work” including reading old emails or texts from the affair or “stalking” the other on social media. The unfaithful partner must be amenable to their partner’s “need to know”. Trust is rebuilt through consistency in actions, open communication, humility and compassion as opposed to defensiveness. While it is typically not advisable for the aggrieved to engage in this detective work, the unfaithful partner will not be successful at stopping it as it will come across as defensiveness and obstructionist, negating trust. Sometimes an affair can be an exit strategy. An unwillingness to be transparent and ambivalence about the status of the affair may well signal an intention to leave the relationship.

Another determinant of success is the value the partners each place on the relationship and their reasons for working to stay together. Those couples that have become complacent but value what the relationship has been able to provide have a greater likelihood of success than those that have become complacent and are “comfortable” with the distance in their relationship. Couples that share common values, have a close network of friends and family, have supported and nurtured their careers together, built a family together, have many common hobbies and interests and share a common vision and commitment to their life goals are typically invested in recovering their couple connection despite the affair and the distance they might have been experiencing.